Letting Go of What I've Had
by Kari Ishikawa
Summary: [KxF] She intended 2 use him. Pretending 2 luv him until she rili did. Caught in her own game, wat if he finds out? will he still luv her? [AxL] Love? Dey hav it! Sadly, love, itself pushed dem 2 let go. Is dat wats meant 4 dem? Did dey rili lose d love?
1. Deep Reflections

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Hikari's Note:** Ikaga desu ka, minna? This is my first Gundam Seed fan fiction and it'll definitely revolve on AthrunxLacus and KiraxFllay. I may not please all of you but please be fair enough to respect my views regarding these couplings. I'm not here to compete with other seed-couplings and authors. I'm just here to share my story to everyone. And that's about it, sore dake desu. I hope you'll enjoy reading, have a nice day! _**

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Chapter 1: Deep Reflections**

Fllay Allster? Who is she?

Assumingly, everyone sees her as the spoiled brat who gets what she wants in anyway around and mostly, she gets it in a selfish way. That **was** true;she intended to infatuate Kira so that she can use him as an object of her revenge. She hate coordinators and Kira is one of them, but hell to that fact, all she wants from him is to let him execute everyone who had caused her burdens and she'll do that, whether he'll die along or not.

Kira Yamato? Who is he?

He's the coordinator who has a strong personality but deep inside he's actually feeling down due to certain problems regarding the war, the people he's protecting and his enemy who happens to be his best friend. He's feeling down yet no one knows that and no one seems to care.

Being alone with these problems, his heart started to seek for comfort, for deep affection, for some one to lean on and Fllay took this opportunity for granted.

"I'll be alright because Kira will protect me, he'll kill them all for me" that was her usual line and now everything is going smoothly with her plan. He fell in love with her; with the false thought that she loves him too.

They're mutually inclined with each other and even up to the point that they're having sex already. She's in control and with her manipulating him; he was more persuaded to fight and to protect her.

The others can already sense her plan and now they marked her as a bitch, something worse than being marked as a spoiled-brat. But of course Kira is blinded because he's in love and he only believes in her.

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_(Memories from the past)_

A little girl about 7 years old was watching the people around her from a corner. While watching, she realized that she's different from them. Is it because she's wearing the most expensive and beautiful dress? Is it because she's rich and dazzling? Is it because she's born with a pretty face? Or is it because she's alone while the others are celebrating this day with their family

"Why are you celebrating alone again?"

"_Because my daddy is busy but he told me that he'll make it up for me, he'll buy me everything I want" _

"You're so pathetic Fllay Allster! You have no mommy and your daddy has no time for you. How pathetic, even your parents don't love you! You'll always be like that, alone and unloved"

"_That's not true! I hate you all and I will forever!" _she said, pushing her classmate before running away from them.

She walks over to the fountain in the ORB Park and looked at her reflection, there she sees a girl who seems to have everything except love. Seeing how sad her reflection was, tears started falling from her eyes, mixing with water in the fountain.

"Why are you a-alone? Are you also s-sad? Just like me? Please don't cry in front of me, y-you're making me cry too and I shouldn't cry because my Daddy will buy me lots of dress and dolls and he told me that I shouldn't be unhappy as long as I get what I want" she said to her reflection, simply consoling herself.

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She grew up living in that way, where she thought having everything she wants would make her happy, where materials serve as the substitute for the presence of love but how can you expect a little girl to avert this insanity? When no one's there to guide her? Where no one makes her feel loved? 

Yes, she gets what she wants and she has everything already but why is she still discontented? Revenge, that's what she wants now and she was able to acquire it by using Kira. Is that what she really wants? If so, why is she still unhappy? Have anyone tried to ask why she's acting like that? Have anyone tried to understand her and look beyond the negative attitudes she's showing?

No one did because they judged her already. No one understands her. No one was able to look beyond the negative attitudes she's showing. No one's aware that she's acting like that to conceal her true feelings. No one was able to realize that she desires for love all along. That's what she really wanted and yet she hasn't got it, that's why she was never contented. No one was able to give it to her, no one except Kira.

She thought materials could satisfy her, she thought using him would make her happy, she thought revenge was the only way to end her miseries. She thought succeeding with her plan is what she wanted and little did she know that his affection for her would change her views.

After realizing that he was the one who quenched her thirst for love, she started seeing him in a different light. He was neither the coordinator she hates nor the one she's using for revenge. She didn't expect that along the way, his kindness and affection for her would make her change. Little did she know that she would develop the same affection for him, loving him back isn't included in her plans but she couldn't resist it.

He was the one who gave her the love she desires all along and she's so much satisfied with it already but something inside her is still bothering her.

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She clutched the blanket tightly while staring at Kira, who was sleeping soundly beside her "I really do feel at ease when you're with me. I have everything because I have you and I wouldn't want anything or anyone except you" she said while gazing at his peaceful face and doing this makes her heart leap but then something inside her heart is preventing her from staying at peace. What is it? Why is it bothering her now? Why now that she's happy already? 

It was really bothering her since the day she realized that she's in love with him too, she wanted to know what it is but then her mind is too sleepy to handle it and her body is already giving in the urge to sleep.

She moved her nude body closer to him and when she's finally comfy, she closed her eyes and dissolved the remaining thoughts on her mind and when everything was blank, she finally fell asleep.

After some hours of sleeping she was waked by the sound of the pouring water in the shower room. She opened her eyes and saw a blurry vision of Kira dressing back in his usual uniform.

She sat up, clutching the blanket to cover her naked body. This was the second time they did it but she feels different this time. It's as if she did that because she wants to not because she needs to, as part of her plan.

She tried to stand up but her body refused to, she's still feeling weak after doing a tiring activity with him "Oooouch! My body aches..." she groaned in pain while crouching down.

Kira sat beside her with a naughty grin "It's my fault isn't it? I've been enjoying it too much, last night" he said while scratching his head. Fllay smiled back while wrapping the blanket around her shapely body "I have to agree with that! So, are you…going now?"

"As usual, I better go ahead before some one sees us here" he stood up and was about to leave but then

Fllay clutched his shirt, making him pause "Kira…uhmmm…t-take care of your self ok?" she said softly. It was the first time she told him that and he's not the only one surprised by it. She is surprised as well, for the first time, she didn't say her usual lines.

He held on her hand and smiled "Hey, I'm just attending an official meeting but don't worry I'll always take care and I'll always come back because you're here" he assured her before leaving. Alone in her room, she started wondering about what she just said earlier. "I didn't really expect to care for him that much but I really do, now" she thought to herself.

Fllay Allster? Kira Yamato? Who are they? A Natural and a Coordinator? Yeah, right! They might be different from each other but both were able to see and fill the emptiness of each other. She sees her reflection in him, the reflection of emptiness and now she knows that he's just like her in some aspects. Their difference isn't important, what matters the most is they're whole when they're together.

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After that, she went over to the cafeteria where the others are having their breakfast. She sat alone in the table while the others are actually staring at her. Of course she's aware about the gossips about her and Kira spreading around but she's just trying to ignore it. 

And soon Miriallia and the others joined her but it seems that Sai is not there for breakfast, he was staring at her suspiciously and it annoyed her. She thumped her hand over the table, making her meals jump "Will you stop staring at me like that!" she groaned irately.

"I'll stop if you'll stop using Kira! You might have fooled him already but you can't fool us, we all know the game you're playing!" he retorted. "I'm not using him and I'm not fooling him! **No-not anymore**!" she yelled back, catching lots of attention.

"Not anymore? Then why are you still inclined with him huh? How dare you brain-wash him? We've been friends for years and yet he believes in you over us! "he retorted, merely forgetting that they're not alone.

"Look who's talking! Why? Did you see the emptiness beneath the strong attitude he's showing? You don't know that because you don't have the initiative to ask how he really feels about fighting! You should've been sensitive to his feelings if you're his friend! And me? You don't really know me! You can never understand me because you never took the chance to understand me! All of you are the same, you never care so you don't have the right to say anything against him or me!" and with that she ran away from the cafeteria, leaving Sai and the others speechless.

"I was criticized again but at least I was able to leave something for them to realize. Hopefully, they'll understand us now or if not me then at least Kira" she muttered before going back in her room.

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Kira was called by Captain Ramius and Commander La Flaga to discuss about Athrun Zala, who's currently staying with them. The Zaft had lost the Freedom with out any clue that it was Lacus Clyne who took it and entrusted it to Kira, after a casual encounter with him. Both of them might be on the different side but they have the same will and intention, a pure intention to end the war and that's why she's positive to entrust it to Kira. 

And now that it's lost, Athrun was ordered by his father to search for it and to bring it back but after having an encounter with Kira and after talking sincerely with him; his will is also starting to change bit by bit. He's still confused about the sudden facts but he's certain that he won't fight against Archangel anymore. Now, he just needs to straighten things up with Lacus and his Father.

"So it was Lacus...She'll be in trouble if Zaft finds out...I need to talk to her at once" Athrun said anxiously.

"How can we be sure that you won't go back with Zaft to spill everything out and to oppose us?" Commander La Flaga asked, trying to scrutinize the situation.

"Spilling it out to them is just like killing Lacus myself, I know I can't gain your trust easily but please let me see her, I need to make sure that she'll be all right" he explained intellectually and with further sincerity to his words and with the help of Kira, he was able to gain their trust.

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After the long conversation, Kira went back to check on her. He went inside her room and saw her staring at the window, He sat beside her, merely startling her. 

"H-hey seems like you're reflecting for something so deep, Is anything wrong? Is it them again?" Kira asked.

Fllay shook his head and forced a smile "I don't really mind them, Our world is full of judgments and I'm used to it already" she said still not taking her eyes away from window.

Then she faced him back "Kira, you won't leave me right?" she asked out of no where.

"I won't" he answered consistently and after hearing his answer, she clutched on his shirt tightly and locked her lips on his. He was initially surprised but it felt so good and he was left with the urge to kiss her back. Damn it just feels so good!

After doing so, she broke away from his moisten lips "Kira, Do...Do you want me? T-tell me that you want me..." she asked with her head down but her grasp on him became tighter, showing her eagerness to know.

Kira placed his arms on her back and pulled her close to him "I love you" he answered tenderly, keeping her safe and warm on his arms. "I don't know why you're asking these questions but I really do love you" he repeated. (Moo ichido itte kudasai! Awww…)

She buried her face on his chest to hide her reddened cheeks (_Kanojo no hoo wa akai desu!)_;no one knows how much she loves his manly scent, his well-built arms around her, the warmth of her body and everything. No one knows how much she loves being close to him but what she loves the most is his answer and in fact, she's so much satisfied with it. But still; something in her heart was bothering her "What is it? Why do I feel bothered every time I'm happy, every time he's being affectionate to me? What is this damn thing that keeps on bothering me? For once, why can't I be happy?"

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Hikari's Note:** Soko made wa sore de yorishi! Somehow Did I make the details more vivid huh? How did you find the character of Fllay Allster now? _

_If we see a negative attitude to someone, we tend to ask "Who the person was" instead of asking "Why is she/he like that?" and with that action, we are judging instead of understanding, true isn't it? Well, we're really living in a world full of judgments and that's typical! But I think, it's time to make a difference now and we can if we want to! _

_That's it, that's the lesson of this chapter! I hope, somehow I was able to make a difference! And now, don't forget to give me some reviews! Pleaaassseee! Oh yah, the AthrunxLacus chapter is next so stay tuned!_

_Domo arigatou gozaimasu!

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	2. When Pink met Blue

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Hikari's Note:** _Gomen nasaaaaii minnaaa san! Omachi sama deshita. _Yeah, I know! I've kept u waiting for months...quite a long time and quite disappointing ryt! I know how it feels and I'm very sorry, I just can't let my main priorities down. Although I really want to work on this fic, my duties, schedule and personal problem hinders it. And it's not that easy to come up with a good chapter, it really needs time. Do u know how i feel? _Shitte imasu ka? _If u do, please don't hate me or curse me. Harsh words can really stab my heart...(--) 

Phew! Enough about it, I'm just explaining my part ! So this is it, the most awaited and loved (AsuranxRakusu) AthrunxLacus chappie! Awwww, don't u love this couple? errr...just enjoy reading and i'm just here, looking forward for your reviews _wasurenai de kudasai!_ Once again, I'm so sorry and i love u all! _watakushi wa anata o ai shite imasu! _do u still hate Kari-kun?

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**Chapter 2: When Pink met Blue**

Finally, Athrun was permitted to see Lacus but he was given a condition that some one else will go with him for security. He didn't mind that condition, what's important for him is to see Lacus, to clarify things and to assure her safety.

But who's the one that'll accompany him?

It couldn't be someone in duty, not Kira or Commander La Flaga. It couldn't be Dearka, letting two Zafts go won't give them any assurance at all. How about Fllay? Well, she might have a light job aboard but in case Athrun Zala does something cranky, she wouldn't be able to handle him right? So who's the one aboard who has nothing much to do but has the ability and strength to handle Athrun?

Well, I think you have a clue and whether we like it or not...

"Look buddy! It's not that I want to interfere your meeting with your fiancé, this is only a favor and i can't say no to it" Cagalli exclaimed while following the quiet Athrun towards the civilian ship, of course they couldn't use the Justice because Athrun's father will go nuts if he sees it launching from the Archangel.

He stepped aside, letting her enter first "Ladies first" he smiled mockingly. She rolled her eyes away from him before pushing him inside "Whatever Ass-head! Just get in now ok, remember that I'm in charge so quit acting like a gentleman!" she groaned, resisting the feeling that Athrun's giving her.

"I know! I know! I'm not complaining about it, and it's not like you're gonna shoot me again right?" he stated mockingly, making her blush after being reminded about their first meeting.

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After arriving in the Clyne's residence, Athrun asked the helpers not to inform Lacus that he's there. Of course he hasn't forgotten about the reason why he's there but for Pete's sake, he hasn't seen her for quite some time and that's why he wants to take advantage of this opportunity. He proceeded in the balcony while Cagalli stayed behind, giving a confirmation call to Captain Ramius "Go ahead you jerk! We're not wasting time here! I'll just follow!.

Athrun had stopped in the balcony and outside he saw Lacus playing with Haros in the garden. This is exactly how he wanted to see her and oh, how misses to see her like that. Who wouldn't be captivated by her undeniable beauty? Tantalizing eyes that shows thousands of emotions. Luscious lips that never fails to give a sweet smile. Radiant skin that glows with the beauty of her soul. Soft pink curls that frames the curves of her body. Soothing voice and cheerful laughs that uplifts everyone. Again, who wouldn't be captivated?

Athrun felt so amused watching her from a distance, admiring her beauty and all. "Oh God, how lucky I am to have her and how ill-fated I am to be apart from her" he thought to himself. It wasn't for long when the pink haro noticed him. It was about to make noise but Athrun signaled it to keep quiet. He was about to sneak behind her when the other haros noticed him and started a fuss which caught Lacus' attention.

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_**(Past Memories) **_

_It was about 20 minutes after her first concert ended and as expected, it was absolutely splendid. All her works were tiring, from singing down to the autograph signing yet it seems that she's not exhausted at all and it was vividly shown in her smile. _

_**"Is he there already? Is he? Is he? Is he?" **she asked excitedly, catching her breath._

_**"Yes, Ms. Clyne. He's waiting for you in the lobby"**_

_This was her first concert and this would also be the first time she'll meet her fiancé. For some it's unfair to have a fixed engagement but Lacus is the kind of girl that believes in destiny. No matter what happens, she'll be with that someone who's really destined for her. Fate will bring the right prince to it's princess and she will meet hers someday and this might be the day._

_**"It's a great privilage to finally meet you Ms. Clyne, you made the concert extravagant" **the young lad bowed slightly as a formal greeting to the lovely lass standing in front of him. Quite a gentleman, he's raised up to be like that and he's confident enough that he's doing it right. _

_Yet his confidence cracked when he heard a soft laugh from the lass who seems to be smiling at him all the time. _

_**"Same with me, I've been looking forward on this" She** stated, staring at him with an eager smile and all he could do is to smile back at her._

_**"And oh! You think I made the concert extravagant? Well...it's because I know that you'd be watching me" **she winked before continuing **"So you'll be the one to take me home right? Would it be ok for you if we'll just take our dinner at home?"** she asked._

_**"Sure, that's all right. I know that you're already tired and besides, we can just go out on a date next time right?"**_

_**"It seems that you really want a date huh?" she teased him, laughing softly.**_

_**"Errr...so...shall I take you home now Ms. Clyne?" he said, escaping from the topic.**_

** xOxOxOx**

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The Haros kept on bouncing around, excitedly screaming Athrun's name. Lacus turned to look around and from a short distance, she saw Athrun smiling at her. "Athrun!" she yelped, sudden rise of excitement was built within her as she stood up from the ground and excitedly rushed towards him. However, the Haros were as excited as her that they tend to bounce around hastily merely causing Lacus to lost her balance but luckily Athrun caught her right in time. "Careful..." he mumbled, feeling relieved after catching her.

She held up on him and faced him with an eager smile, her eyes as bright as the morning sunshine "I've been counting weeks, for you, Mr. Athrun Zala to show up"

Athrun still not letting go of her, pulled her closer to him "I thought, I'd receive a hug as a greeting but that smile would do" he said, returning the same smile.

She twirled her fingers across his neckline and moved her face next to his ears. His cheeks felt warm the moment hers touched his but he shivered instantly after he felt her soft breath tickling the portion of his neck as she whispers something to him.

"I'll give you something more than a hug later but first…tell me…" she whispered seductively before facing him back with a toothy smile "Did you miss me? Did you miss me Athrun? Did you? Did you?" she asked persistently, a soft laugh escaping her lips and her eyes gleaming with cheerfulness

_"She's playing with me again, acting like a seductive lady to hook me and when I'm hooked she's back in being a cheerful child"_ he thought to himself, remembering something from the past

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**(Past Memories)**

**_"Oh you like blueberries! I like strawberries! How compatible we are hmm!"_ **_she said, gazing at his every motion. Actually, this should likewise be a normal experience for him as he's used in dating girls before. But hey, that was way back then when he's not yet involved with Zaft and not yet engaged perhaps. _

_**"Dammit! Why do I feel awkward? Am I not used to this? Haven't I dated before? Or...is it because I'm dating her, a very friendly girl...too friendly to make me feel a bit shy? Why am I melting with her gaze? with those...sparkling eyes?" **he wondered._

_**"You know Athrun, you really look good. So...charismatic and...so..." **she murmured, her dazzling eyes glued on him. He coughed in formality before indulging a big amount of ice-cream in his mouth, thinking on how he should react and to merely shun the chill she's giving him. Yes, indeed! He's feeling odd because of her. Often, he's the one mushing with girls and how he loves to see them flush but with Lacus Clyne, the opposite is happening. _

_She took a napkin and to his surprise, she wiped it on the portion of his lips. Startled and all, he held on her hands and tried to take the napkin **"I...I can manage Ms. Clyne"** he excused._

_**"Come on, don't be shy! You don't have to be so formal with me and to start with it, just call me Lacus. Besides, when we get married…you won't be able to call me Ms. Clyne anymore right? right?" **she winked at him, still wiping the remains of the ice-cream away from his lips._

_**"I'm not shy...well…all right...ok…Lacus..." **he settled and smiled, trying to get used to it. It was actually her sweet attitude that makes it all easy to get along with her._

** xOxOxOx**

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He stared at her incredulously yet enthusiastically "Something more than a hug later? Why not now? If I say I did miss you, can I get it now? Can I?" he asked, pulling her closer.

She stepped back a bit after realizing what he's up to. But she can't hide the fact that she's enjoying this flirtatious moment too much as she blushes and giggles.

"Oh my! Isn't it too early for that? And…and oh…you know how irresistible you are when you're acting like that…so stop it because...I'm liking it!" she replied, realizing that she's actually staring at his lips too and she doesn't know why but her body is starting to move on it's own as Athrun aims for her lips and she did the same.

They're completely drowned in this enchanting moment, they wanted to stay like this forever but sadly they can't Sooner or Later, Athrun will have to leave again. She'll be counting days, weeks or maybe months for him to visit her again, for her to feel his warm cuddles and kisses again. It was always like that, everything was limited but now, in this particular moment, she can make the most of it.

Lacus wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing his face down closer to hers. Everything was going smoothly when both of them got startled after hearing Cagalli, calling Athrun.

"Athrun are you here?" Cagalli asked, walking over the balcony and as she looks out, her face flushed in embarassment "Oh...I...I...didn't know that...I thought" she explained, realizing how she stopped the two from kissing.

After being interrupted, Lacus peeped out from Athrun's back and got surprised seeing Cagalli "So you weren't alone Athrun. Oh my…what are you both doing here? Together?"

"Hey don't doubt on that jerk! It's not what you're thinking!" Cagalli exclaimed, waving her hands in a crossed motion.

"What? Oh that's not what I meant! I mean why are you two together when you're both fighting on different sides? That would surely be a long explanation right?" she asked, confused.

"Yes, I'll explain that to you later...but first, tell me...why are you soaked?" He asked, noticing that his shirt got wet after hugging her. He stared at her from head to toe and instantly turned red after rea that her soaked dress got translucent enough to show him what's inside.

Her lips curled up before showing him the water balloon "Oh! I was playing with this" she said, squeezing it on his face. "Lacus!" he yelped, surprised by the cold water that splashed on his face.

"Do you think I wouldn't catch you staring at my body like that? You and your green... naughty thoughts!" she said, wetting him all over and that's when they started goofing around, wetting each other and laughing out waggishly.

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**Hikari's Note: **_Sore dake desu! _That's it for now and for the next chapter! I swear! I'll find time to work on it and I do hope that u'll wait for it. _Matte masu ka? _I'll also wait for your REVIEWS!_ domo arigatou gozaimasu minna san! and oh! for the AthrunxLacus lovers, I've got a lot of images of them already. if u want me it, just drop a message to me at reviewers _

_**For my previous reviewers (THANK U SO MUCH!)**_

**Lethal Dose (Dark Roxy)- **aww…what should I say? I'm so flattered with your review! I'm glad to know that u like this fic and u support the seed couples I like!

**Fionna Kreuz- **yes, I think she's hunting me already

**White-rosekiss- **yes u r my 100th reviewer, such a nice reviewer! Yippee I reached that number of reviews!

**Daniela- **Oh! I've got a lot to say about this girl! but let me thank u first! Thanks for being soooo friendly! I'll always look forward on ur mails and reviews! Kari-kun loves u!

**Nova Era- **u liked it? Wow! That's nice!

**Crystal Blue- **thanks for ur compliment! And the lesson thingy? Well…yeah…I wish there are more people like u who wud agree on it

**Matsubana, Aoki-** Aoki-san! Domo arigatou tomodachi desu! watashi ga inakute sabishiku omou...ni chui suru tsune ni

**p17oyDONju9n- **wow, ur such a nice reviewer! We've seen the light beyond Fllay Allster! And I agree, I think everyone should try! I'll be looking forward on ur next review! Thank u so much!

**Demonic Angels- **sorry if I've kept u waiting

**Lacus Rules! – **Hey ur pen name is nice! She rules! And yup…as I've said…I'm really busy but thanks for waiting and reviewing

**Lil Ayeka7- **Awww…you're a huge FllayxKira fan! That's great! And thanks for waiting…

**v4n3s5aCH4N- **Wow u really love this fic? U love it that much? Kari-kun loves u too! And those couplings…someday…they'll rule!

**Stephanie- **Awww…I'm sorry if I've kept u waiting…I know how much u want me to update and I'm grateful for it

**Jamila- **Well…who knows? Kira and Fllay might end up 2gder and they might have their own child… errrr….I can't answer that for now…just keep an eye on this fic and u'll know thanks!

**Arcane Hunter- **u loved chapter one? Wow! I hope u loved chapter 2 too

**Spiderbob- **wow, u think chapter one is awesome? Wow! Thanks!

**Cai Nikz- **yup! Ur the 101st reviewer! Wow, U gave me a "thumbs up"! Thanks!

**BashKing**- thanks!

**Alexandria Scherazade-** whoa? U've added this fic to ur favorites? That's something all right! Thanks! It makes me feel…HAPPY!

**KiraIrving- **thanks for ur reviews…though I'm not sure if ur against it or not…but thanks again and by the way…kanojo no hoo akai desu means…"her cheeks turned red" there u found it out yippee! It's not a mystery for u anymore!

**Ariel Sinnot- **Of course! Let me thank u! ur such a great e-mail buddy and I emphasize the word "great"

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